Today was another busy day of all things at home. Homeschool, meals, laundry, reading stories, outdoor play. We even ventured out for a quick trip to the chiropractor. The nightly routine of dinner, baths, and bedtime stories are the standard here in our home. But tonight after dinner, I was on my own for the bedtime routine with all three boys. Jonah had a commitment to attend to, so it was just me.
Somewhere between the last bites of dinner and the boys getting dressed after baths, things went downhill.
I was juggling a hungry baby, washing two boys, quieting two boys so baby could nurse, rocking baby to keep him nursing and not distracted, reprimanding two boys who were arguing...and so it went. I just lost my patience.
" I can't do this God, I can't do all the things how I used to be able to do them!"
And in the quiet of my heart I heard Him say, "Why yes Carrie, you're right, you can't do them the way you used to, because you are NOT who you used to be."
It was a small, quiet revelation to me.
You see I have been walking through these past months thinking I'd roll right back to how things were before Theodore was born. Plus add in caring for him. No big deal, right?
Wrong. It's different now. I'm different now. And that is good. Sure I still fail at times with being impatient, angry, short tempered, quick to speak...but I'm also different in how I mother. I've heard it said that love multiplies, it doesn't divide with each child, and I know this to be true.
Bringing a new baby home really does change everything, and in the process God has again been using this little boy to change me. I'm learning how to mother to three boys. How to run our home caring for those three. How to homeschool with two this year. How to plan my days with more laundry, more attention divided, more love all around. I'm learning to see more of God's grace, because I certainly fail pretty hard at getting all the things done. I'm not supermom, I'm just me, a work in progress.
And back to the night we had. After realizing that I'm not the same person I was, that I am different now than I was a year ago, I felt a freedom and weight off my heart. There is freedom in letting go of your own expectations. I had set up a list somewhere in my mind that I thought I needed to accomplish to be a "successful" mom. It was my, before-three-boys, list. Realizing that list is different now, and in fact probably just needs to be scratched out is freeing. I have given that list to the Lord. I let Him take over that part of my heart that felt so weighted. He's going to help me in this new role. Wearing these new shoes that feel a little stiff, this motherhood role.
As I flicked off the lights to the boys room, I paused and sang a song to them (Aleksandr requested) before heading downstairs. It was this one- the very one I sang early this morning to the Lord as I prayed with Him. How appropriate it felt to share it with the boys. This mama that has to continually ask for forgiveness from her boys for her failings, and from her Father for those same failings. What a lovely reminder that God is at work to make us beautiful for Him, in His own time, not ours.
In His Time
In His Time In His time, in His time, He makes all things beautiful, in His time, Lord, please show me everyday, As You're teaching me Your way, That You do just what You say, in Your time.
In Your time, in Your time, You make all things beautiful, in Your time. Lord, my life to You I bring, May each song I have to sing, Be to You a lovely thing, in Your time.