I have an app on my phone that brings up pictures from the years gone by. This morning as I opened it up, one of the first pictures that popped up was this one.
A year ago Jonah and I were in the hospital after a very long night (and long couple months) of waiting.
Waiting for our 4th baby to grow or for his/her little heart to stop beating (as we learned he/her were not growing). It was a long 11 weeks of hoping, praying and trusting that God was with us, even in our pain.
Baby #4, went to be with Jesus and on this morning we were finally at the end of that very long journey. It was a relief in ways to finally be at a place of moving forward, since we were stuck in the middle of grief and hope for weeks. As I scrolled through what I had written on that morning, I cried.
It's still a place of pain because we love that little baby. And I cried because what I had written then, still rings true in my heart today. Only it's a little deeper a year later because we've learned to walk in the truth of it. This is what I wrote:
"The past couple months have taken us down a journey we never expected. I've never had to be in so many places of waiting before. So much that I would question "What God? Why?". Today I feel like there is finally an end here, and I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm weary but I am thankful in all of it that God has not moved. His mercies are new every morning and I've begun to look for those mercies, that grace in all the crazy details of these past two months. Great is Your faithfulness God. Let my heart and life sing this in spirit and body. Recovery ahead, and renewal. Will you pray for this with me? Beauty from ashes, only He can do that."
I have never kept this story secret because I know that even in our pain, we may be able to help someone else walking a similar journey.
Now it's been a whole year.
Have I seen God continue to be faithful? Have we given up on Him? Has He given up on us?
I can say that it has not been easy to suffer and grieve. Nevertheless, God has been so faithful. We have learned to trust Him even more, and He never gave up on us!
What do you do when you are in the valley of the shadow of death? When you can't see any light because the dark is heavy?
You cling even more to the truth of who God is. Remember the character of Who He is. He is a restorer, a help. He is a good shepherd that will lead you through it. He will fight for you, and He will comfort you. And He will bring good from even the hardest places.
We are now expecting another little boy. How faithful is God to give us another gift? I'm heavy with the weight of this child, but also with the goodness of God in our lives. What a loving Father we have that takes care of us. Abundantly. (John 10:10)
This pregnancy has not been easy. In all honesty, I wrestle with things that I never expected after miscarriage. But He keeps meeting me, in my weaknesses and reminding me that He loves me, and He's my strength.
And I am thankful that Jonah and I can look back at those hard places in our lives and see that God was with us, and because of it, He's made our faith stronger. So I praise Him today. For suffering that brings us closer to His heart. For pain that we can give to Him for healing. For renewed hearts and faith that have come from the valley.
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God. (Psalm 42:11)